The Real Scoop On Epstein

A New York city corrections department spokesman interviewed earlier tried to explain the situation that developed overnight regarding the Epstein case.

     Senior corrections officer Rabbi Nocase Toanswer stated that the 'suicide watch' rumor had been spread by malicious trouble causers and domestic terrorists in a bid to stir the pot and provoke unrest. "It is true that Epstein was previously subject to constant checks and the standard suicide prevention techniques approved by the department. However after being seen by a psychologist last week it was decided the watch would be lifted and the inmate returned to normal prison status.This was partly due to a promise made by Epstein to the psychologist that he felt 'lots better' now and 'wouldn't attempt self harm again' " the officer went on to explain. He also stated that as a precautionary measure some items had been removed from Epstein' stateroom in the prison. Pressed as to what these items may have been Nocase responded that he couldn't recall the entire list,but that two lengths of rope,a shotgun,a machete and a hand grenade were included. He also added Epstein had been permitted to retain his AK47 as his lawyer argued it was 'sentimental' and would act as 'a comfort blanket' for his client.

     Officers on duty at the time of the incident are said to be devastated. One un named officer claimed he'd taken Epstein his cocoa and pre warmed slippers around 11 p.m. as usual and said "Jeff was in good spirits and even joked that for a four star establishment  the service  wasn't too bad". He went back some hours later to find Epstein apparently asleep at which point he entered the room, turned the tv off and fed the fish as Epstein had apparently neglected to do so earlier. Further visits to ensure Epstein's comfort and well being from other officers were made as per procedure. Other officers were not available for comment as three were due to retire following the Friday night shift and are no longer  employed by the department and the others were in a syndicate that won the  state lottery last week,but only became aware several hours ago. They are not expected to return to work,but are suspended on full pay until official notification is received of their intent said the spokesman.

    Rumors abound of a right wing extremist element to the death after reports from the control room CCTV operator suggesting that around 3.30 a.m. two masked and gloved 'white folk' were seen 'goose stepping' across the exercise yard. When asked for comment on these allegations the prison spokesman claimed the tapes used had been recorded  over and the operator had died during a tragic mail van incident whilst traveling home at the end of his shift. He said the departments sincere condolences went out to the family of officer Rodriguez Emmanuel Goldberg. The family were unavailable for comment,but released a statement via their lawyer that they were due to move to a large mansion upstate over the weekend and that they wouldn't change their plans as they felt it's what officer Goldberg would have wanted.

   Trump tweeted that senior officers close to those involved would be used for the investigation as they had 'insider knowledge' and it was more likely to lead to the truth coming out. He also proposed a senior member of the ADL head the investigation team as some members of the public had already been noted online as saying negative things  about Epstein and the jews which could easily degenerate into blatant anti-semitism.

     A representative of the Afro-American community,in the form of Black lives matter activist Gimme Shekelston said that following a tip off that there was an empty island  'full of expensive shit' waiting to be liberated for part reparations in the Caribbean that senior members of the group had flown to the Caribbean to 'rediscover their roots'. He also noted 'typical white privilege' once shown pictures of Epstein's body being loaded into an ambulance claiming blacks are simply placed in a prison dumpsters once dead and their family informed they have been move 'out of state' to quell any concerns at their disappearance.

    The SPLC declared on their website this was the most disgusting case of anti-semitism they had witnessed since the Weinstein case and Bill  Clinton whilst out shopping for double  sealed freezer bags that would hold roughly a kilo each was asked by a passing reporter for his thoughts. "Jeff who? " was his reply. Antifa were asked to make a statement, but aren't expected to be out of bed until this evening although an unnoficial statement from one member claiming to represent the group said they may consider burning down prisons,which he said were discriminatory against people of color who simply wished to live a different life to others and didn't wish to conform to 'paying for stuff' and other 'fascist ideals'.

Further articles of this caliber are available on request. You want the truth?...........fucking good luck lol.

Tez