Dissociated Press
Is ISIS plotting an attack on Alex Jones?
In a new video released by Rita Kuntz of
SHITE Intelligence Group, a vicious-looking villain with a big black
bushy shariah-compliant beard brandishes a glittering scimitar and
inveighs against the popular talk show host’s “pathetic scruffy little
attempt to produce facial hair.”
He added that Jones also had better quit drinking, chasing women, and indulging in his penchant for nose candy “or we will be reluctantly forced to parade him around downtown Austin in an orange jumpsuit and give him an ‘ISIS haircut’ which consists of ‘taking everything off above the neck.'”
Informed of ISIS’s threats, Jones reacted with the equanimity characteristic of his newfound faith. “Alhamdullilah, my male potency pills have helped me produce a little bit of facial hair so I can at least try to follow the sunna of the Prophet, sallallahu alaihi wassalam. Insha’allah, if Allah so wills, and my male enhancement supplements finally start to REALLY kick in, a miracle will occur and I will somehow manage to produce an actual beard before ISIS finds me. Insha’allah.”
In an interview outside the local courthouse, Jones’s ex-wife ridiculed her ex-husband’s new beard, and expressed grave doubts that the male enhancement pills would ever actually work.
