March 14, 2020

Mami's Icelandic Exclusive


By Tez. A little known mami's admin who still can't figure out how to copy and paste and use a spellcheck. lol

We are all aware of the current crisis sweeping the globe and growing daily. Toilet roll shortages caused by forward thinking porn addicts aware that two weeks locked in their residence indulging in their favourite pass time could get messy. What few realize is that this crisis was known about and actually engineered many months ago to benefit a small and often overlooked population.

  Way back in the banking crisis of 2008 the inhabitants of Iceland did the unthinkable and stood up to the bankers. Some were even imprisoned, and unknown until now two of the senior level were secretly removed from their cells and interrogated by Icelandic special forces. Bank notes were burned in front of them,videos of happy children playing in the fields were shown to them on a loop and they were forced to eat tinned food products. Under these extreme conditions one finally cracked and revealed their plans to release a virus that would collapse the global economy and seal their dreams of world control.

  The Icelandic government sat in secret sessions to discuss their options and ran through various scenarios that would play out. Frederik Reyjkavic, the then minister for geothermal energy and sauna maintenance surmised that a global emergency would lead to panic buying certain perceived essentials and that worldwide shortages would arise as a result. Armed with this knowledge the Icelandic government embarked on a long term covert operation to corner the global market in toilet tissue both financially and in inventory. The finance ministry hired investors across the globe to buy shares in manufacturers in small,but regular blocks to avoid arousing any interest. Meanwhile a crack military team was assembled to raid warehouses worldwide and fly cargo planes full of tissue to Iceland. The assumption was made that these warehouses would be too embarrassed to report the thefts or that insurance companies would refuse any claim due to the unlikelihood of anyone genuinely stealing bulky and low value goods such as these. The assumption proved correct and the spate of heists went largely unnoticed. Large temporary buildings were constructed around geysers to store the tissue. The heat and steam keeping the tissues warm and fresh whilst they maintained their dry status due to the plastic wrapping.



  On top of the two measures already mentioned the government also made several large legitimate purchases of toilet roll after putting forward a public plan to stack loose rolls around allegedly melting icebergs with the aim of soaking up the water released. This allowed them cover for the large orders,permitted high end (3 and 4 ply) roll purchases and also secured international funding from environmental protection agencies. Once sufficient stocks were acquired the government quietly released the plan to their public and it spread  by word of mouth. Their population of twenty three,bolstered by fifteen Spanish ski instructors for the tourist season made this possible. The inhabitants were required to bring back toilet rolls when returning from holidays and trips abroad rather than duty free. Once home they could visit a government office and exchange the rolls for the tobacco products or alcohol they would normally have purchased.




   Fast forward twelve years. Now we have the virus predicted. Global panic over bathroom products has ensued as the Icelanders predicted. Whilst shares plummet in most firms,toilet roll manufacturers have hit the jackpot and only platinum out of the precious metals maintains a price above a decent six pack of three ply at the time of writing. Whilst consumers worldwide wrestle in shopping mall car parks,armed heists on grocery store trucks become common place and even large leaves are being stripped from the trees in desperation,Iceland has become king of the world.

  I don't do predictions well,but my bet for the next 'must have' item is fire extinguishers as everyone's house is now stocked with pallets of bone dry paper!

Tez

5 comments:

Scorpio said...

No ,the problem is Zap's Commadore 64 cumputer, which is unable to process the highly classified encrypted information as well as the Atari Missile Command covert comedic content....but it's all good as they say. Just make sure to order the Kosher meal if you are forced to check into the hospital.

zapoper said...

It's a TRS-80 32k extended Basic. Get your facts straight scorpio.

BillyBob said...

Both wrong it's the same compute used to land Apollo missions in the studio, with hand wired wire rope memory cables, and the computer power less than a commodore 64! Nasa actually has printed the manual for this amazing computer which guided the mission to the moon, landed a lunar module, took off again, rendezvoused with the rocket and then came back to earth. All accomplished with 37k of memory,

Chains said...

Hey Zap You had a TRS-80 too? Remember that fantastic cassette tape drive? LOL

zapoper said...

Even with TDK cassettes it used to get corrupted really fast.