So it finally happened.Over a decade of online stalking.Several hundred begging letters.Multiple donations (one of which was over $3!) and thousands of hours on Skype listening to a guy that hasn't STFU for more than 45 seconds since the mid 80's.It was all worth it though.Yep Zapoper popped the question to me at last......in that harsh accent that only someone who consumes four packs of Marlboro and three litres of paint thinners a day could have, came the words i've waited to hear for so long........."You wanna be an admin?"
.My heartrate increased and i felt a tingle down my right leg ,a cold sweat rolled down my forehead.Thoughts of all the of positives accepting his offer flooded my mind.......the keys to Mamis backroom where i imagined every pleasure known to man laid out for the taking under neon lights........hanging with all the cool people (and Zap/Foone)........making Renegades shit list..........making the jews shit list........having my own trolls on call 24/7 to flood my every post with spam and petty insults........global hatred all aimed at me.Man i waited so long for this.
What could i say? I gotta act cool like it's no big deal,but it's kinda hard when the excitement overwhelms you and piss is running down your leg.Again thoughts of the implications overcame me.......i can post videos about licking goldfish to cure hair loss naturally........videos about fake events then other videos to prove the original video was fake......videos that deny videos exist.........articles that prove the natural human diet is tree bark and sand.......fuck man i'm king of the world!
I can post news articles in languages no one south of the arctic ocean speaks......ban trolls and insult them repeatedly for days then unban them and watch all that pent up frustration spew out.....WOW! A sharp gust of wind brought me back to reality.The cool chill that follows the warm happy feeling after your bladder lets go."Go on then" i replied trying to sound nonchalant.
Zap slung a dirty copper coloured key across the table at me."That's the key to the backroom.Don't lose it. Oh and no fucking flat earth shit."My heart sank.How could i not mention that? It's the most important thing on this world.It's the key to uniting us all and most importantly if we can find the edge we can shove all the fuckers that had us over the last two or three millennia off it.Oh well i though ,he'll mellow in time and accept reason.
Once I can show him you can park a vehicle without the handbrake on in so many places accross the earth and it dosen't roll away how can he argue? Zap fell over at that point and hit his head hard on the way down.My instinct was to jump up and help him,but then i figured he's a moose jockey so well used to falling off.Plus i had the key to wonderland now....
Fuck Zap.I'm gonna hit the backroom.I'm gonna find the bar in there,pour myself a warm glass of Brizers finest and look around.Maybe take a dip in the hot tub,shoot some pool and bang Hoax train on the jukebox.There might even be some hot chicks in there i thought.Conspiracy groupies huddled round Grizz as clouds of herbal smoke and words of wisdom flowed from his mouth ,or Scorpio amoungst a group of adoring bikini clad babes begging him to do another conspiracy hour.Maybe I'd get to meet Wanda and I could help mix the latest batch of acids,ant poisons and pool cleaners into healthy natural beauty products.
I went up to the large and battered steel door which had a huge red heart and "I'm sorry, I love you Mr Zapoper" spray painted across it.Underneath was "Fuck you Lindsey" in French.The door was heavy,but opened smoothly and easily.The smell was overpowering.Somewhere between a meth lab and a JD distillery. I walked down a long hallway towards an open door with soft blue light flooding out.As i walked through the doorway i saw a guy sitting in a large leather chair straight in front of me surrounded by empty wine bottles.
He was swinging a large hammer and shouting "feckers" as he hit something repeatedly.As i got closer i saw several flat discs on the floor that had previously been globes.To my right i noticed shimmering water and heard a bubbling sound.I walked towards the source of the noise and saw a camel,bloated and lifeless, floating nose down in the pool.The hammering ceased and the chair swung round towards me.I made eye contact with the occupant and him with me.I glanced at the camel then back towards the chair."Don't feckin ask" flowed from his lips in a strong Irish accent..........."Delcroix!" i shouted exitedly."Will you sign my 'I hit the ice wall' t-shirt "i begged."Feck off" came the reply as he spun in the chair and continued hammering.
